


falling.

by heartbreakordeath



Series: Late Night Writes [13]
Category: Bastille (Band), To Kill A King (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, don't ask me why i'm doing this bc i really don't know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:21:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28006098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartbreakordeath/pseuds/heartbreakordeath
Summary: Some people think it’s an inevitable thing, that’s all. A fact of life, a card you’re dealt without a warning or even a Swedish instruction manual to go along with it- leaving only what to do with it up to you and you alone.Dan knew this; he’d seen it, laughed at it, not thought much of it. He couldn’t fathom it happening to him, not ever, not with the kind of people he associated with. Not with the kind of person he was.And then, overnight, he must have had some weird fucking dreams, because he woke up with an unfamiliar sinking feeling in his stomach- the feeling that could only be associated with the dreaded realization that he was horribly, irrevocably in love with his best friend.
Relationships: Ralph Pelleymounter/Dan Smith (Bastille)
Series: Late Night Writes [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/692613
Comments: 22
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm doing the thing where i post whatever i write, whenever i feel like writing it, and then we'll see what happens. i'm absolutely fucking terrified. let's go.

Some people think it’s an inevitable thing, that’s all. A fact of life, a card you’re dealt without a warning or even a Swedish instruction manual to go along with it- leaving only what to _do with it_ up to you and you alone. 

Dan knew this; he’d seen it, laughed at it, not thought much of it. He couldn’t _fathom_ it happening to him, not ever, not with the kind of people he associated with. Not with the kind of person _he was_.

And then, overnight, he must have had some _weird_ fucking dreams, because he woke up with an unfamiliar sinking feeling in his stomach- the feeling that could _only_ be associated with the dreaded realization that he was horribly, irrevocably in love with his best friend. 

It would have been fine, really, if that hadn’t been the morning he’d woken up for the first time in his new uni flat, which he had enthusiastically agreed to share with-

“He’s alive!” Ralph exclaimed as he pushed the door open, bearing a plate of toast in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.

“Mmph.” Dan turned his face into his pillow automatically, as if Ralph could take one look at him and Just Know exactly what revelation had woken Dan up on the first morning of the rest of their lives. He felt the bed dip a second before he registered a hand in his hair, scratching gently at his scalp and tugging playfully at the tangled mess that Ralph was still _constantly_ reminding Dan to “get taken care of.”

He sighed into the warm pillow, the silent witness to his scrambled thoughts, and rolled over, shivering at the sudden chill as the blankets slid off onto the mattress. Ralph met his eyes with a bright smile as Dan sat up, and suddenly Dan felt uncomfortably _warm_ all over instead. It didn’t help that he caught Ralph’s eyes glancing down at the movement, and Dan realized with another flush of panic that he was- as he always was- only wearing pants and an old tee shirt.

Dan yanked the covers back over himself at the same time as Ralph reached forward with the steaming mug of coffee, and as their arms collided and they both helplessly watched the coffee fly out of Ralph’s hand and head straight for Dan’s lap, Dan had the dismal realization that it could only go downhill from here.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan thought he was in love, once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you see why i’ve put this under my ‘late night writes’ series yet
> 
> (pls send help it’s nearly 3am)

Dan thought he was in love, once. 

It was secondary school. A girl who sat to his right in history class, who always tucked her hair behind her ear when she was nervous or distracted, who always half-raised her hand whenever the teacher asked a question, as if she knew all the answers but was too afraid to ever open her mouth. 

It wasn’t a creepy thing on his part- he just _noticed_ things, like he noticed things about everybody. And _sue him_ , she was a much nicer person to focus on than the crotchety old teacher by the blackboard, droning on and on and on about the World Wars. 

They were paired together once, for a short assignment during the unit on mythology. It was the only area of history that Dan found reasonably enjoyable, and it seemed like Reb agreed. 

Her name was Reb that year, she explained without preamble, because she was oh-so- _tired_ of being referred to as “Rebecca.” She’d tried Becca for a while, Beck for a few months the previous summer, and nothing had stuck. So Reb it was.

When she finally stopped talking, shutting down completely as her ramblings dissolved into repeated apologies, Dan thought: _so this is what it’s like._

He shook his head vigorously, trying his best to get across to her that he could sit and listen to her all day if she wanted. 

They were one of the last to turn in their assignment, filling the rest of the time with stifled laughs and shy smiles from their corner of the room. The teacher gave them the best grade in the class and never let them work together again. 

_A disruption_ , he’d written in the comments of Dan’s school report at the end of the year. His aunt had just laughed it off and congratulated him on his scores- her _Dan_ , a _disruption_?

One day, before the end of the school year, Reb came into class and sat down stiffly without even a glance at her friend. Dan waited, patiently, just in case, but nothing came. 

That was, until a few minutes into class, when he heard the unmistakable sound of pen on paper on wooden desk, and the hiss of said paper sliding across his own desk. 

_Moving away tomorrow. Stay in touch?_

She’d written a phone number beneath the hastily-scribbled words, and he folded the note carefully, twice, before he slid it into the pocket of his jeans. He chanced a look over, but her eyes were glued to the head of the person sitting in front of her. 

He walked home that day with a strange feeling in his chest. Sure, it had been nice talking to Reb in class, or meeting up for lunch occasionally in the cafeteria, but a phone number...that came with promises Dan wasn’t sure he could keep. That came with _expectations._

It was drizzling the entire way home, and he eagerly swapped his damp clothes with the pajamas left strewn haphazardly across the bed from the morning.

His aunt came home from work early that day, bringing the smell of Chinese takeaway with her, and they ate dinner in front of the television. Dan found a movie on, one of the old _James Bond_ ones, and they both sat and laughed at the poor special effects until they’d demolished most of the food. 

It was a normal night, until Dan found himself more intrigued than ever by the barely-constructed romance between Bond and the female lead. He mentioned it to his aunt during one of the commercial breaks, how it always seemed so forced and sudden. 

“That’s just what love is like, sometimes,” she’d said with a shrug. “One second you’re talking about the weather, and the next thing you know you’re having three children with ‘em. You’ll understand it when you’re a bit older.”

She’d smiled then, wistfully, and stood up to clear off the coffee table and deal with the leftovers. Dan watched the rest of the film with a detached expression on his face. 

He stayed up late again that night, wrestling with thoughts that refused to let him go, and in the morning he found his floor completely barren of discarded clothing. 

It was too late. He could hear the washing machine rumbling away from its hidden spot inside the living room closet. By the time he managed to pause it and dig through the sopping wet clothes for his jeans, the ink from the note had transferred onto the inside of the pocket. The lined paper all but dissolved in his hands as he stood there. 

* * *

  
  


_You’ll understand when you’re older._

Like most adolescents, Dan had always despised that saying.

Now, at an age that would at least _legally_ qualify as ‘adult,’ Dan wasn’t sure he’d ever understand what it meant to be in love. 

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was funny, really, how it suddenly felt like the world was spinning the wrong way on its axis without warning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i totally forgot this has been laying in my docs since mid-december, and i'm itching to get started on a new chapter, so here we are! first posting of 2021!! exciting stuff.

It was funny, really, how it suddenly felt like the world was spinning the wrong way on its axis without warning, and he just...adjusted course and moved on. He signed up for all the classes he’d planned on, including as many as possible with Ralph, and everything was exactly the same.

It wasn’t like he _forgot_ about it-- that wasn’t exactly possible, as far as he could tell-- but it wasn’t the life-ending, galaxy-exploding shitshow all the films would have you believe. Dan didn’t feel like running away for the rest of eternity, or getting caught out in the rain and dramatically confessing his love between claps of thunder. He felt...fine, really. It wasn’t like he couldn’t _have_ Ralph, as a friend at least, and that was enough, right?

They could still spend their nights huddled up on the ratty sofa watching old films, ignoring any regard for personal space with the excuse that the heating in the flat was never quite efficient enough to stay comfortable in the room.

They could still go out on the weekends and get shitfaced, and hang off each other all the way home, laughing about all the stupid things they’d done together.

Ralph was still his best friend, and Dan was still Ralph’s.

But then there were other things, other thoughts, and Dan didn’t seem so sure of anything all of a sudden.

There were the thoughts when either of them walked around the flat with a less-than-appropriate amount of clothing on, though Dan could ignore that for the most part. He’d known Ralph for long enough that it couldn’t _possibly_ be weird anymore; and besides, it wasn’t something Dan had ever considered with _anybody_ , really. Now, it was simply a mind-twisting spiral of _**should** this be weird now? Am I making it weird? It’s normal, it’s not weird, really, at least I don’t think…?_

There were more times when Dan lay awake at night, thinking of his best friend on the other side of the thin wall. Wondering what he was thinking about, what he was doing, whether he’d managed to get to sleep already. Wondered what Ralph would do if Dan were to slip out of bed and walk over to the door and find himself in Ralph’s doorway and walk in like he belonged there more than anywhere else and-

There were the times Dan had the flat to himself for the night, and made the startling discovery that solitude (the previous love of his life) was not, in fact, all it was cracked up to be. 

(At least, not in a drafty, mostly-barren, probably-haunted uni flat.)

He wondered, on those lonely nights, whether it would be the night Ralph didn’t come home. Whether it might be the day he found somebody else who would understand all his dumb jokes, somebody who he could take home. Somebody who wasn’t anything like Dan.

He’d overthink, wonder if this was the night Ralph had finally gotten involved with the wrong crowd, been drugged or kidnapped or forced to sing an Ed Sheeran song at karaoke night-- or if he’d just finally gone and realized that not everyone in the world was impossibly exhausting and strange like Dan.

And then, as soon as he’d managed to tune out whatever he’d put on the TV to distract him from his thoughts, there would be a rustle at the door, and in Ralph would stumble. Dan would jump up before he could stop himself, rushing over to make sure his friend was in one piece.

(he always was, as Ralph grumpily reminded him as he shrugged out of his coat and tossed it over the back of the couch.)

He always was. Dan, on the other hand...well. That was the problem, wasn’t it?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn’t the first time Dan had turned down Ralph’s invitation to join him when he went out for the night. It wouldn’t be the last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is where I should mention that this story is going to deal with some themes that are a bit darker than what I normally write about. Again, not sure where it'll go exactly, but I'll put a few possible trigger warnings for sexuality/homophobia/etc, mentions of character death, alcohol abuse, mental illness, etc. I doubt it'll be anything extremely triggering (though if it is, I'll adjust the tags/notes accordingly) but yeah. Just throwing that out there :)

It wasn’t the first time Dan had turned down Ralph’s invitation to join him when he went out for the night. It wouldn’t be the last. Going out and getting shitfaced with friends just...wasn’t something he generally enjoyed doing.

But this time was the first time Ralph came home too drunk. Just a bit. 

He stumbled in around two in the morning, accepting Dan’s relieved hug with sluggish movements, silently letting his friend tug the coat off his slumped shoulders.

_You said you wouldn’t do this again._

_You said._

_You promised._

_You fucking promised._

With a murmur of something along the lines of “let’s just get you to bed,” they both ended up in Ralph’s room, arguing over whether Ralph was coherent enough to take off his own shoes. The conversation ended rather abruptly when Ralph listed sharply over to one side all of a sudden, and took a bit of a shortcut to his bed.

Dan clenched his jaw and tugged off the shoes none-too-gently, wrestling the blankets out from underneath Ralph’s prone form until he could throw them over him instead. He stared down at his friend for a moment, hands balled into fists under crossed arms, and left the room without another word.

It still hung over their heads the next day, those two words left dangerously unspoken.

(No pun intended, though Ralph’s return to consciousness _was_ just as painful as one could imagine, seeing as he’d had so much he couldn’t even remember what he’d been drinking by the end.) 

_You promised._

Ralph didn’t try to explain himself the next day, didn’t try to force an apology into the cracks of the wall between them. He knew what he’d done.

Dan didn’t pretend either. He tried, at first, thinking maybe it wasn’t as big of a deal as his brain was making it out to be. Ralph came home drunk all the time, and Dan let him go out every night and never tried to stop him-- not once.

Eventually, long after Dan had left for the day, Ralph heaved himself out of bed and disappeared off to class, only stopping when he noticed the cup of coffee going cold on the counter. It was the cracked blue one he always used, and Ralph felt an invisible weight lift off of his chest as he picked it up and took a sip.

They didn’t fight a lot-- almost never, really. It felt weird to be dancing around each other after intertwining nearly every aspect of their lives, and maybe that was why it hurt Dan so much in the first place.

Ralph had been careless, that was all. It didn’t have to mean that they’d never speak again, that things would never go back to normal. Dan desperately hoped they were both on the same page about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not sure where all the random backstory for this is coming from bc i swear this _isn't_ one of the stories that i've had living in my head for ages (*coughs in bus fic*). i'm rlly just making this all up as i go but...this _is_ important to the backstory i promise you'll see when i write the next bit lol


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been a few years since Dan had stopped counting the days before New Year’s Eve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um. so. i'm sure you're aware that shit's happening in DC rn. a lot of it. just trying to keep myself updated and distracted at the same time so i don't go _completely_ insane, you know? please stay safe out there everyone <3

It had been a few years since Dan had stopped counting the days before New Year’s Eve. It wasn’t worth it, his aunt had said when she caught him staring at the calendar in the kitchen. _You’ll only make yourself worse._

She was right, as she was about most things. He had friends, good friends, who could distract him for long enough, until the sun came up on New Year’s Day and he could breathe just a bit easier.

Since he’d known Ralph, it was the only night of the year he could be expected to stay in with Dan all night. Not-- not _with_ him, of course, not like that at all-- just the two of them, in their dorm and later in their flat. They’d phone in a takeaway (Indian, usually, or Chinese if the local Indian place was too overwhelmed with drunk uni students) and pick some movies to watch (one each, so it was even) and all in all, have a nice, quiet, extraordinarily underwhelming New Year’s.

That was, if they both decided to stay on campus during winter break. Dan always did; he liked the way the university felt when it went into hibernation around the holidays, how it felt like a ghost town on the snow-covered paths but somehow still felt like home at the same time. He appreciated the peace and quiet, the empty void left behind by all of the students and faculty spending Christmas at home with their families.

Ralph stayed because Dan stayed. He’d make some excuse about not wanting to face his family, not wanting to bother with the ordeal of opening presents in front of them and pretending to be satisfied with their contents. But, at the end of the day, he stayed for Dan and Dan alone.

And that was more than okay with both of them.

By the time the holidays came around again, the two of them had finished arguing and were mostly back to normal conversation, and the relief in the flat was palpable. That was, until Dan came back from his last class to find half of Ralph’s belongings piled in boxes and bags by the front door.

It was his grandfather, he’d explained, regret evident in his voice as they carried the boxes to his friend’s borrowed car. _He only has a few months left, you know, and my parents…_

And then his arms were wrapping tightly around Dan, encasing him in warmth and the comfort of Ralph’s favorite coat, and Dan shakily breathed in the familiar scent of him, burying his nose in the crook of his shoulder.

“I’ll be back by New Year’s,” Ralph whispered in his ear, one hand gently running up and down the back of Dan’s hoodie. “Promise.”

 _When will you learn?_ Dan thought desperately, hands fisted into the back of Ralph’s coat as if he never had to let go of him. _When will you ever, ever learn how to keep your damn promises?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd be lying if i said my brain wasn't singing sOOOOO DON'T MAKE PROMISES TOOO ME THAT YOU'RE GONNA BREAKK the entire time i wrote that last bit


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His aunt picked up on the second ring, as if she’d been expecting him. She probably had been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok pretend to be surprised: this is going to be longer than i anticipated. which is funny bc i really wasn't anticipating anything at all from this. that was...kind of the entire point. anyways um enjoy me continuing to live up to the 'late night writes' origin of this story by posting this chapter at midnight.

His aunt picked up on the second ring, as if she’d been expecting him. She probably had been.

“You can still come home, if you want. You know you always can.”

It was already dark, and Dan was far too drained to even consider leaving the flat at this point in the evening. He sighed and shook his head, assuring her he was fine where he was. The tiny living room was dark and silent, and without Ralph’s warm presence it felt barren and unfamiliar. Dan shivered, sinking even further into the couch cushions and pulling his blanket tighter around him. He could hear the TV in the background whenever his aunt stopped speaking-- she used to put on the live videos from Times Square every year, watching the festivities and calling to her bored nephew whenever any decent artist started performing. 

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry if I’m bothering you, I didn’t mean to interrupt--”

“Oh, hun, shut _up_ , will you? I was hoping you’d call, actually. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

It had been. He’d gone home a few weeks ago, but she’d been on call for the entire weekend and they hadn’t gotten to talk much at all. Not that he was very good at that in the first place.

“Ralph went home,” Dan said in lieu of a response. It was the only thing he could think to say.

“You don’t mean you’re _alone_ in that little flat?” She sighed at the ensuing silence. “Why didn’t you call me earlier? I could have gotten you, picked up more food...did you eat?” 

Dan blinked at the sad-looking, untouched leftovers on the coffee table in front of him. “Yes?”

Another sigh. “I have an early shift tomorrow, otherwise I’d come and get you. When’s Ralph due back?”

Dan took a shuddering breath, closed his eyes briefly. “He was supposed to be back. Before tonight. He _promised_ ,” he spat, feeling his eyes begin to burn beneath his eyelids. “A fat lot of fucking good that’s done for me.”

“Dan.” His aunt’s voice dropped, sounding dismayed and infuriatingly patronizing. “You sure this is _Ralph_ we’re talking about? Your Ralph?”

_That’s just it, isn’t it?_ He could have laughed at the absurdity of the thought. _He isn’t mine. He never will be._

Dan sniffed, not exactly sure how to continue. He paused when he heard a voice coming from the other end of the line, one that most definitely was not his aunt.

“D’you...have somebody over?”

It was her turn to pause now. “Oh, I, uh-- just a friend. Work friend. Friend from work.” She cleared her throat. “She didn’t have plans, you know, and I didn’t think you’d be coming…”

Dan laughed wetly. “No, no, it’s alright. Talk to you tomorrow?”

“If you’re sure you’ll be okay.”

Dan took a deep breath and swallowed the words that threatened to spill off the tip of his tongue. “I’m sure. Don’t worry about me.”

“Worrying about you has been my full-time occupation for the majority of the past five years. Love you.”

“Love you too,” he whispered, before the line went dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i sincerely apologize for anybody who is nice enough to be subscribed to this account. rip your notifs <3 i'm not done yet <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a rustling at the door, but Dan barely stirred as it creaked open.
> 
> “Dan?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIII HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO WRITTEN_YOU_DOWN ILY BUT I WASTED TOO MUCH TIME ON BREAK EDITING THIS SO ENJOY BYEEE ILL FIX EVERYTHING LATER SORRY

There was a rustling at the door, but Dan barely stirred as it creaked open.

“Dan?”

Dan slowly registered the hand on his shoulder, the warm breath on his face, the deeply familiar voice in his ear. He blinked awake, frowning. He ignored the way his heart skipped a beat when his eyes landed on Ralph, crouched down on the carpet next to the couch. 

“Why are you here?”

Ralph’s hopeful expression dropped clean off his face, and he sighed. 

“I’m sorry. I’m  _ sorry _ , really, I should’ve stayed here with you.”

“No.” Dan struggled to heave himself up onto his elbows, forcing Ralph to lean back out of his space. “No, s’good you went. Sure your family was happy to have you.”

Ralph scoffed and leaned back on his heels, casting his eyes to the ceiling. 

“It was horrible,” he stated flatly. “I had too much to drink and insulted my uncle for being an asshole.”

“George?”

“Of course it was George. He wouldn’t shut the fuck up about all his dumb fucking opinions on politics and trans people and I just—“ He squeezed his eyes shut and took a steadying breath. “I shouldn’t have even gone. They all know my grandfather doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me, anyways. I wouldn’t even care if he just went and kicked the bucket already—”

“No, no, hey...” Dan sat up all the way, reaching up to grip Ralph’s shoulder with one hand. He was still wearing his coat, as Dan hadn’t remembered to turn on the space heater (as usual). “You went because they’re still your family, right? They wanted you there.”

“Dan, I—” Ralph cut off, voice cracking, and it was only then that Dan noticed how tired his friend looked. He looked frayed around the edges, fuzzy like glasses that hadn’t been cleaned quite right. Ralph pulled away and shrugged off his coat, tossing it over the chair in the corner. He stood there, looking at it with his back to Dan, before he added:

“Happy New Year.”

“Not really.”

“I know.”

They both paused, weighing the silence carefully. There was more to be said, so much more on their minds that needed to be let out. 

Ralph shifted, finally, and let out a deep sigh as if he’d come to a decision. 

“They know about me.”

Dan froze, ice crawling down his back and down to his shaky fingertips. “What? How?”

“‘S why I got drunk there. I didn’t want to see them looking at me like that. I just...got so  _ angry _ and then it all just...well. You know. No pun intended.”

“Are you okay? That’s…” Dan struggled to finish the sentence, to say anything that wouldn’t sound as fake as it did in his head. “I know what it feels like. That look, I mean. I hate it too.”

“Your aunt doesn’t look at you like that.”

“She used to, before.” Dan stood up, couch springs creaking as he took a few steps towards his friend. “She said she wasn’t, but I could see it.”

Ralph said nothing, simply crossing his arms over his chest against the sudden coldness of the room. 

“Are you okay?” Dan repeated, quieter this time. He was standing right behind Ralph, watching the creases of his shirt ebb and flow with each heavy breath and shift of his shoulders. If he wanted to, he could just reach out and just…

“I’m fine,” Ralph said far too quickly, turning his head further away from Dan. But Dan could tell in the way he held himself; something was different now. Something had shifted, gotten misplaced on the way home, and left Ralph wandering through his own mind to try and get it back. 

“Come on,” Ralph continued, pushing past Dan and gesturing with a jerk of his head. Silently, Dan drifted down the hall behind him like a buffering shadow, hesitating at the threshold to Ralph’s room. Maybe that’s not what Ralph had meant— he hadn’t specified, and it was far too dangerous to just  _ assume  _ anymore—

But then his friend was kicking off his shoes, stripping to his pants and tee shirt, and sliding into the bed against the wall. When Dan still didn’t move, Ralph slapped a hand against the covers next to him. 

“Come on. Don’t get all weird on me now.”

“I’m not,” Dan replied automatically, forcing himself to push stiffly off the doorframe and take off his sweatshirt. It was the closest thing they had to a tradition— the one thing he’d prepared to go without, this year. Apparently Ralph hadn’t. 

Ralph moved over more, lifting the covers so Dan could pull them over both of them as he got into the bed.

He could feel the heat radiating from the other side of the bed; and, steeling himself against the urge to bury himself in it, turned away onto his right side to face the doorway. 

“Hey, Ralph?” He murmured after a minute, nearly hoping his friend had somehow passed out already. 

“Mmm?”

“Thank you.”

“Of course. Always.”

Dan sniffed, squeezing his eyes shut. “I missed you.”

A pause; then Dan flinched and relaxed as he felt a warm arm snake its way around his waist and drape over the exposed skin of his stomach. 

“Missed you too.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I thought it would feel different, you know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really sticking to this being a part of 'late night writes' huh? happy 1am i know this is reaaaaally short but one of the things with this fic is that i don't care !!! the chapter is finished !!! so i'm posting it !!! that's all folks goodnight !!

“I thought it would feel different, you know.”

Dan sniffed and tugged more of the blankets around him, pressing his face deeper into the pillow. “Hmm?”

Ralph blinked up at the ceiling, halfheartedly attempting to tug the blankets back in his direction.

“I don’t know. I guess I just thought I would go to bed, and I would wake up, and I would just...be different.”

Dan tilted his head up slightly, just barely able to make out the silhouette of Ralph’s face in the cold morning light.

“What kind of different?”

“Dunno really. People always act like it’s such a big thing, don’t they? But I don’t-- I don’t feel anything different, about-- myself, I guess.”

“What exactly _did_ you tell your family?”

Ralph slung an arm over his eyes and groaned. “Enough. From what I remember, at least.” He paused, peeking out to look at Dan after a moment. “Why are you laughing at me?”

“Did you really just go home for the first time in months, get blind drunk, tell your entire family you like dick sometimes, and leave?”

“ _Dan_ \--” 

“I’m _sorry_ ,” Dan said through another bout of laughter, sounding not at _all_ sorry. “I just-- god, I wish I could’ve been there to see it. The look on their faces…”

Ralph tried to hold back a snort, failed, and exploded into an even louder burst of laughter. “It was mortifying, is what it was.”

“Then why are you laughing too?”

“Shut _up_ , you’re the one who was laughing, it’s your fucking fault--”

“ _My_ fault! What part of this is my fault?”

“Everything! If I hadn’t met you and we hadn’t moved in together I never would have--” Ralph cut off abruptly, snapping his mouth shut into a thin line. Dan raised his eyebrows, ignoring every single conclusion his brain was inevitably jumping to.

“Never would have what?” He asked quietly, as if he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer. Maybe he wasn’t.

Ralph closed his eyes, taking a deep breath of consideration before he spoke.

“If I hadn’t-- if I’d stayed there, hadn’t gotten myself out of that shithole...I don’t know what would have happened, really, but when I woke up this morning…” he sighed. “I don’t think I would still be here, you know?”

“Ralph…”

“No, I’m serious.” Ralph turned suddenly, shifting to his side until he was inches away from Dan. “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

_Oh._

Dan stared, open-mouthed, fishing for the right thing to say, but Ralph just sighed and tossed the blankets back without another word.

“Sorry. Too much. I need coffee.”

There were so many things to say, too many things that had swum back to the surface in those few precious seconds. The air felt cold without Ralph next to Dan, though the bed was still warm where he’d been. Dan rolled over, taking the blankets with him, and breathed in the scent that had somehow become more familiar than any other he’d ever known.

God, he had it bad. Really, really, life-ruiningly bad. How could he have been so dreadfully wrong about that?


End file.
